Why Is Your Wife No Longer Affectionate With You?

Are you feeling confused and frustrated in your marriage? Want to know why your wife is no longer being affectionate with you?

Question: Why are romance novels so popular for women?

Answer: Because the author knows how to create “those gooshy feelings” in the women who read them.

Those feelings have many layers and women loves to experience all of them. They tingle with the subtle tension of the flirtations in the conversations. They feel the rush of blood and warmth at the bold, sensual innuendos. They long to feel that undeniable attraction, appreciation and desire from the male characters. And they want to be “taken” to those experiences by their man. 

The subtle sexual tension and polarity between the masculine and feminine energies creates little waves of pleasure in her body. It’s almost torture to feel this in herself apart from the fact she knows there’s a delicious release of orgasm just after the ache she feels right now.

Most of us men just don’t quite get it. 

We can read the same section in the book and have a mild response.

Yes, it’s a little stimulating. But it’s definitely not the kind of “romantic” language that the men I talk to everyday say they want.

Can you relate?

If you are a married man you may be desperate to be the star of a different kind of intimate scene in your marriage…

Just as you find it hard to understand her emotional reactions to those books she loves, she can also struggle to understand your deepest desires. 

You may feel like she just doesn’t understand (or doesn’t care?) and she doesn’t believe that what you want is MORE than just sex.

Most of the men I coach want that same “exciting sexual tension” feeling I described earlier, and they believe that only their wife has the power to supply that feeling.

What Men Really Want

“They were finally alone. He had been looking forward to going on this trip for months and she finally agreed to a getaway for just the two of them. The kids were with his parents and they would finally have a chance to reconnect as husband and wife – not just as dad and mom.

“They watched a show at the theatre and were enthralled by the depth of the feelings which they both felt as the story unfolded, they even looked at each other at the same time when one of the scenes reminded them of the time they met and both of them had tears welling in their eyes. They both laughed and smiled without saying anything.

Later after the interval, she gently reached across and grabbed his hand, her thumb gently stroking his…something she hadn’t done in a long time.

“He caught her looking at him out of the side of his eye and with a soft smile he said, ‘What?’

“She held his eye contact and smiled too as she said, ‘We needed this. I’m so happy to be here with you. Thank you for encouraging me go on this trip.’

“As they got back to their hotel room that night, he realized he hadn’t noticed the last 3 hours go by, while they had been out at a nice restaurant after the theatre, he had been feeling so relaxed and comfortable with her again.”

If you’re a woman reading this, you may think I’m talking rubbish. 

The men work with know I’m not.

Remember, the man in the tale above has been married for 16 years, has three children, and spends a lot of time busily dealing with work, family, friends, being a kids taxi and home maintenance.

He knows that his sex life could be better. In fact he wishes it was better. Yes, he’s occasionally looked at porn. But that’s not at all what he really wants from the intimate part of his relationship.

It’s not the loss of sexual intimacy that causes him to feel emotional. It’s the loss of the close emotional connection with his one, committed romantic partner. 

He misses her presence, her respect and her trust. She used to support him and help him want to conquer the world for her and for them and their family.

But now that all feels like a long lost memory. 

She gives her time, her attention, her affection and her energy to just about anyone but him. 

And it makes him sad. 

He feels crushed and fearful about the future. 

And the sadness and fear he feels, come out of him as frustration and anger.

Why Does It Show Up As Anger?

His pain comes out as anger because it’s a reaction to feeling like he has no choice, no options and no agency to change anything. He believes he’s lost everything that meant the most to him and he’s afraid of what’s going to happen next.

Most men get into relationships with a beautiful dream of a deeply loving “happy together for life”, it’s what he’s always wanted, a long-term, committed, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman who wants the same…a healthy, loving, respectful, affectionate and intimate relationship. 

In his head their life together was filled with love, good feelings, supportive words and caring actions.

For a lot of the men I talk to, it feels like this dream is dying right now, right in front of his eyes and ears and there’s no way to halt the slow painful death.

Yes he can be more supportive. Yes, he can be more caring and sensitive. Yes, he can take more responsibility for planning and leading the relationship.

In fact, he’s been hard at work to be a better man, father and husband. He recognises that he’s lost some self confidence and he wants to feel that sense of self worth and confident swagger again. He also wants a woman who adores him and isn’t afraid to show how much she appreciates him.

For most of these men, all he really needs to feel great and continue to show up as the best man he can be is a gentle touch, a warm kiss and to know that she feels he’s special to her.

So with all this going on, what is she thinking? What should he do?

If you recognise any of this, below is a woman’s experience of the same scenario in her marriage:

Why I can’t give you the affection you want right now 

Why does it take so long for women to be relaxed enough to be affectionate and have sex again?

It relates to safety. You see men don’t understand that there are some very important needs women have before they can be intimate again.

What Women Need To Be Intimate Again

Safety

From a young age, us women are taught that men are not trustworthy. We get told how to dress and how not to dress, how to act and how not to act, where we’re safe to walk at night, when it’s safe to walk alone and when it’s not, how to not “entice” men. Basically, “trust men at your peril”!

Safety is something that men very rarely worry about but all women have to think about on so many levels, in some ways it’s running in the background all the time. 

Obviously not every man is violent or unsafe, far from it. 

And I’m not advocating for women to see themselves as a victim of “male oppression”. 

But it is true that in the current society we live in, women are taught about their personal safety almost as soon as they have a good comprehension of language. 

For women, touch when there is no established emotional safety is scary.

Women need men to be strong in their healthy masculine energy

We need you to be reliable & consistent. 

We need you to know who you are as a man, to hold to your values and standards.

We need you to be trustable with your words. 

If you say you are going to do something, we need you to follow through. 

If you can’t back your words up with actions, we need you to tell us as soon as you can no matter how small and seemingly insignificant the task is. If you don’t do this, we lose respect & attraction for you and we start to feel unsafe with you.

Yes I know that sounds unfair, but it is so deeply rooted in us that you need to understand how influential this all is in our interactions with you. If you can, it will change your interactions with women radically.

Without the safety of your trustworthiness, we will be closed to you.

Not forever, but we will be waiting for you to show us that strong, deliberate, safe, reliable, Masculine energy. 

We also need to see that you are committed to being this man, when we open up and be vulnerable with you and share our innermost emotions, we need to know that you will not freak out, get defensive or offended, but that you will stand strong and not retreat away from us.

Our history

We know it’s important for us to touch you. You don’t need to keep reminding us.

If we’re not touching you right now, it’s because we’re afraid to, because in the past you took any affection and made it sexual. 

And we aren’t feeling safe enough yet to be sexual with you, so we don’t give any affection at all.

When we are being touched by you but the trust and emotional safety isn’t there, you are damaging the trust between us even more and it will push us even further away. 

And every time you push too fast for a sexual connection, you break the trust you’ve just built up.

If you are a man in this exact situation my advice for you is to remove sex from your interactions with us, for a period of time – aim for 6 weeks – for the purpose of rebuilding the safety and trust.

Women do love your attention, your touch and to be sexual with you, they really do. 

Non-sexual touch such as a gentle hand on the small of our backs as we walk somewhere with you demonstrates something about your care and love for us, about your respect for us and your desire for us. 

We crave that and long for your touch when it’s like this – but not if we’re feeling emotionally unsafe. That’s when you’ll see lots of weird and wonderful reactions to your touch.

And it’s not about you, it’s about our need for safety, but we do need you to understand this and your role and ability to create the safety we need.

Women Are Afraid of Getting Hurt

A shut down, cold and distant woman is afraid to open her heart to you again because the only thing worse than getting her feelings hurt once, is getting them hurt over and over again the same way. 

It’s just so painful (it’s not that we don’t love you we’re just afraid).

In our heads the story we’re running through is: 

What if you won’t be consistent in your Masculine energy?

What if you won’t be trustable with your words and actions? 

What if we open the box inside us that is full of so many huge, scary emotions, and you can’t handle them, my anger, my fear, my doubts and insecurities?

If we open up and be vulnerable with you before we feel safe with you, it feels like we are betraying ourselves, not taking good care of our hearts and compromising our self respect. 

It feels like we are only doing it to please you and that will result in us resenting you for pressuring us to go faster than we’re ready for. 

We do want to connect with you, really, we just need you to understand how important all this stuff going on inside of us is.

If you truly get this, you will create a much deeper, more consistent and reliable connection with us as we move forward together.

Be Patient, Be OK in Yourself, Know That It’s Not About You

Please be patient with us and don’t take it personally. We’re aware of this, of our blocks to opening up to you intimately again. 

If we ignore our need for safety and have sex with you before we’re ready, we would lose respect for ourselves and for you.

We know you’re feeling lonely and frustrated. So are we! 

We know it took both of us to reach this place in our relationship and it’s going to take work by both of us to get back to the trust, safety, affection and love we both want.

So What Do You Do Now?

Do you think you could try a different approach in your relationship for 7 days?

Can you start with that?

She will wonder what’s going on with you and she won’t believe that any of your changes are for the right reasons.  She won’t trust you, she will question it, she will test you to see if you can be trusted in this new you.

Becoming a calm, confident leader of the safety and connection in your relationship takes more time than 7 days.

Becoming an emotionally strong and grounded man requires you get rid of your bottled up anger and resentment towards her.

Becoming mature and secure in your masculine energy must become more important to you than “trying to make” her to do anything.

Stop hoping she would be different and start choosing to lead better.  

This really is the most effective path to having the loving, intimate marriage you really want.

Want to become stronger and more confident in being able to lead the intimate part of your relationship? Contact me for a free 60 minute personal coaching session.