Forget the old saying happy wife, happy life — what about happy husbands? Most husbands and boyfriends I talk to say that they “just want their partner to be happy.” This is a good intention for a happy marriage or a relationship.
But it can come from a healthy place of security and confidence in his ability to create a relationship environment where relaxation, trust, intimacy, and happiness can grow, or it can come from an unhealthy place of insecurity and fear, where he will do anything to avoid confrontation or her being upset with him in any way.
When it comes to knowing how to create a deeply satisfying, fun, passionate and connected, happy marriage, most men still take a problem solving approach to any issues that arise.
While solving problems can certainly help keep a marriage happy, if you start to view your wife as a problem to be fixed, I can guarantee that you will soon see her becoming less affectionate, less loving, less sexual, more argumentative and more distant.
There are many things outside of a relationship that can cause stress, like work, kids, family, health, money, etc., and all of these things need to be dealt with and fixed. However, the main cause of disconnection in an unhappy marriage is how you deal with yourself when things get stressful.
1. He Knows How to Create Good Feelings in Her
Work-based problem-solving skills are great for “getting stuff done” and making money, but if you look at your wife as something to fix, you are leaving out an important part: her feelings, which she trusts more than anything else.
When a man does not care about his wife’s feelings, criticises her for feeling a certain way, gets defensive, and fights with her when she is unhappy, he is making his marriage less connected, less trusting, and less respectful.
Getting your wife to feel good about you comes from who you are, which is based on your values.
When I ask men, “Who are you as a man? “, most of them say, “I do not know. I have been trying to be the kind of person she wants.
And when I ask, “How is that working out for you?” They answer, “She tells me I need to have my own ideas, that she does not want to tell me what to do, and that I should know how to make her feel loved.”
But he doesn’t. He keeps trying and failing, which makes him feel worse and worse about himself.
2. His Actions Align With His Words
When I talk to married men who want more out of their relationships, trust comes up a lot. Often, this sounds like a wife saying, “You never listen to me,” and the man is left scratching his head and asking, “I am right there listening to her say that, so what does she mean?”
When there is no trust in a relationship, you might notice a lack of affection, constant nagging and complaining, small fights, outbursts of anger and frustration, and then the silent treatment or tears.
Over a long period of time, the small verbal promises he has made to her have always been missed or forgotten, whether it is a DIY project that is still not done years later or small daily requests for help, like taking the trash out or making time to connect with her feelings.
At first, these are small tasks that are easy to overlook, but over time, his lack of dependability makes her feel like she is not important to him. As a result, she pulls away and stops trusting in his love for her.
If this is not dealt with, it will turn into resentment and bitterness, which will change how she feels about him.
3. He Shares His Aspirations and Worries with Her (In The Right Way)
At the beginning of a relationship, this is easy because both of you are open, loving, and trusting. You want to know everything about each other and spend time dreaming and imagining the amazing future you could have together.
Then life gets back to its normal, boring routine. Stress makes it hard to treat each other with love, care, and respect, and the basic things you need to do to keep the relationship alive get put aside in favour of “getting some down time or me time” to let go of the day’s problems.
We stop being each other’s emotional support and safe place. Instead, we start to meet each other’s secret expectations and stop dreaming together.
When we do talk about our worries, it is out of anxiety, frustration, feeling too much, or anger, and the fact that we do not feel connected to each other adds to this mix of heavy feelings.
Even though it is true that in a committed, monogamous relationship, you should be able to count on each other to listen, care, understand, and support you through life’s stresses, I see over and over again how important it is to be aware of HOW you are sharing these things.
Over time, a woman will lose respect and attraction for her man if he is always upset and complaining about life and her, but never does anything to fix the situation on his own.
It is amazing how helpful and understanding a wife can be to a man who is taking full responsibility for turning his worries into his goals. It is also important for her to tell him about her worries and goals.
Being a man in a happy marriage or long-term relationship means learning how to love, how to create good feelings, and how to maintain trust and respect.
It is less about fixing problems outside of yourself and getting things done and more about knowing who you are, how emotional connections are made and broken, and how your energy and emotions affect your wife in both good and bad ways.
When you know the basics of a happy marriage, it is fun again to learn how to connect, lead, and make love happen no matter what.