Every Time I Initiate Sex I Feel Anxious

Do you feel anxious every time you want to initiate sex in your relationship? Do you sometimes convince yourself not to bother so you avoid the pain of potentially being rejected (again)?

A client of mine recently asked me a question…

Do I really need to build my self confidence to increase the attraction in my relationship?

If you are new to noticing the anxious reaction you experience around intimacy, I highly recommend building your self confidence first because from a place of consistent, solid self worth it is much easier to make an invitation that the other person will want to say yes to.

When you are confident in the kind of connection you want, when you have conviction about the value of what you have to offer and when you “want” but don’t “need” to have sex or some kind of physical intimacy, you create a much safer environment for the other person to respond freely and honestly to your invitation.

I know far too many married men who are stuck in an “external confidence” which requires that the other person leads the intimate part of their relationship.

They have marriages where they feel like they’re just roommates and he’s deeply unhappy.

It’s hard to hear, but a romantic relationship without intimacy (which includes all 4 types of intimacy not just physical), is guaranteed to break down at some point in the future or at the very least be deeply unsatisfying for at least one person (usually for both if it’s left unresolved for long enough).

Several times over the past few years I have seen a growth in intimacy in my relationship because I was being a more passionate, more inspired man.

Each time I had decided to play a bigger game in a certain area of my life and I was open to challenging myself and taking control of improving my life.

What I found interesting is that almost every time I started taking on those challenges and making the changes to myself I felt like a fraud.

I thought that my wife would judge me and criticise me…and that feeling continued until she started to trust these new changes aren’t a threat to her and her future security.

Then I have the very same next thought every time, “well, that was just a fluke. She’ll see through all my BS…any day now”, but instead our connection would keep on growing and deepening, I just had to be patient and consistent.

And then, finally, I start to really own my new mojo and confidence. (Until the next time I choose to stretch myself again, of course…)

The clue that my mojo and self worth is running low is always that I analyse the situation way too much before taking any action, I overthink and try and find what I think is a “safe” way to express what I want.

The clue that my mojo and self worth is healthy is that I feel the urge to take action and I follow through straight away, I trust myself and my intuition and ability to create the kind of experience I want to have.

Over time, I have discovered that my mojo and self confidence has become a reliable feedback system to help me filter out moments where I’m not truly clear and committed to what I want to create.

Which in turn has helped me take action at the right moments, when I am feeling clear and confident, and of course then the likelihood of being able to create the kind of experience I want is much higher.

And for those moments when you get some resistance or an unenthusiastic response to my invitation to connect, I always remind myself that connecting with me is fun, relaxing and pleasurable.

If I want her to invest her time, energy, focus and commitment, I have to be a Hell Yes to what I want to create with her. And if she says yes to that, then we’re guaranteed to have a great time together.

What is your biggest challenge around sex and intimacy in your marriage?

I still get nervous every time I want to try something new in the intimate part of my relationship.

When I get a positive response, it often surprises me! And it’s only after the second positive response that I start to believe it’s what she wants too.

Want to become stronger and more confident in being able to lead the intimate part of your relationship? Contact me for a free 60 minute personal coaching session.

About the author

Hi, I'm Dan. I've been a men’s coach for over 10 years with Goodguys2Greatmen, mentoring and coaching men to get clear on what they want and creating practical and actionable plans to make it happen. I’ve experienced many of the same challenges you're going through right now. I’m here to challenge you and help you understand what's holding you back so that you can step into the confident, successful man you were meant to be.