Being in a relationship where your wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you is very painful for a lot of men, so how can you change her mind and create the intimacy you really want again?
What’s not to like, love and appreciate about sex?!!!
When it’s between two people who love each other – it’s fun, it feels good, it brings an emotional closeness like no other and can BLOW YOUR MIND!! So…Why doesn’t she want to have sex with you?
This is a guest post by my good friend and colleague, Rosalind Primmer from Foxglove Coaching
Rose works with both men and women and has written this post from the experience she has with her female clients to help men understand what she needs from you to feel attracted to you again.
Why isn’t she having sex with you right now?
It may be because one of the following 5 relationship obstacles is currently getting in the way of the intimate connection:
- You’ve become her friend rather than her lover
- She’s overwhelmed & too busy
- She doesn’t feel sexy in herself
- She doesn’t trust you anymore
- She’s having ‘women’s problems’
She’s Struggling With Mental, Emotional or Physical Health
First – the elephant in the room – lets get this out of the way, as it’s separate from the other obstacles – if she’s having ‘women’s problems’ then show her care, compassion and encourage her to seek medical and holistic support. Your relationship will only grow and get stronger if you can be a caring and decent human being to her, through this journey, as it can be emotionally depressing and physically draining. Then you can apply the following advice, when she’s in a healthier and happier place.
If any of the other 4 obstacles are happening, there is still a way for you to respond as the sexy stallion that you are and revive that wonderful connection with her again! So let’s talk about how…
With each of these 4 obstacles – she is in her head. She’s in a thinking and analysis mindset. Her mind is busy. To get her to open to you physically, you need to get her to open to you emotionally and that means getting her out of her head and either into her heart or into her loins!
Can you really do that? Yes, you really can!! In fact, she wants this to happen – she wants to stop the turmoil and pressure of everything in her head, but she’s worried if she does then all things will fall apart.
So, I’m going to give you 5 things that will enable a happier and more sex filled relationship for both of you! Because who doesn’t want a win-win outcome for everyone??! Stay tuned because the last one is a secret I’ve only ever seen 3 men in my whole life activate and I’m 43!!
Step One: Take Off The Pressure & Pursuit
Help her to find more space – if she is doing a million jobs and worrying about staying on top of it all – help her! Do the things she’s been asking you to do for ages (doing things for someone can be a love language – so if you’re not doing it, then she could feel unloved and certainly unsupported) – if there are kids involved, take some of the chores off her or get involved with the issues, so she’s not being responsible for everything – as this is putting her into a masculine energy of being in control (we all have masculine and feminine energy within us) – to feel sexy and heart centred she needs to slow down and be in her creative feminine energy. Feelings are processed in a much slower way and in other parts of the body, other than the brain, so space and slower speed is needed. Get home help if you’re both open to it – maybe a cleaner, so that she can go slower and be less tense.
Step Two: Feed The Connection So It Can Grow
Both parties have to put energy into a relationship to give it strength and make it grow. Otherwise, it will die like a plant that hasn’t been watered. This follows on from step one well, as you both need time to do this. You both need to spend time listening to each other, doing enjoyable things together, communicating, touching (without it leading to sex!) and thinking loving thoughts about each other. She will feel this!! Find the love in your heart for her and think about it, feel it – you are both energetically connected as we’re all just energy when it comes down to physics! When you were younger and you had your first love – what did you do? You had time to think about the other person, to lust and love after them, to appreciate them in your mind and to spend slow, fun time together. Even if you don’t have so much time now, make changes in your life to allow space for your relationship as it’s one of, if not THE most meaningful things in your life.
Step Three: Focus On Being Confident In Yourself
Be her confident, sexy man. You are a team and as part of that team you bring an equal part to the party. Be willing to work on you – be willing to know yourself better all the time, to clear past issues and enjoy life for you – so that you feel confident about who you are and can comfortably be honest about your vulnerabilities and emotions, allowing you to be centred, in the present and confident. Heck, that’s sexy!!! Appreciate yourself as much as you appreciate her – you are a team, own your position in that team and work on yourself so that you’re not letting the side down!
Step Four: Lead By Example
Genuinely see and hear her. When she is telling you something, hear what she is really telling you – understand it from her perspective, objectively, without feeling the need to defend yourself. Be the leader and show her the right way to listen and communicate. If she is upset at you about something – listen to what is behind the words, is she tired, overwhelmed, feeling let down, unsupported, insecure, underappreciated? Don’t try to fix it, give her a hug and tell her you understand – you will have instantly broken down a barrier and she will lean into you with trust that you will support her, rather than feeling like she’s carrying everything alone. Give her a safe space to NOT BE EVERYTHING – You’ve got her!
Step Five: Own Your Masculinity & Sexual Desire For Her
Oooooo, this is the Joey from Friends ‘How You Doing?!’ turn your lady to jelly moment.
Only 3 men have had this impact on me in over 20 years and each time I’ve been utterly impressed with the power of it! It doesn’t matter what you look like, how you feel inside, what your job is, if you’re a man in the presence of a heterosexual female – it’s gold!!!!
I’d also like to add at this point, maybe be willing to watch Bridgerton – women are swooning over it left, right and centre and this is why!! It’s demonstrates some very good examples of strong, secure masculine-feminine polarity!
‘Tantalizing temptation of manliness’ is what I’m calling this and it’s the moment when you look at a woman and really see her as a woman, with desire, like you are a quietly confident hunter, a man who knows his own mind and she is the only person in existence, and you want her! Don’t look her up and down – just directly into her eyes for a few seconds but with utter presence that makes time stop! Feel like the king of the jungle and carry yourself as such, be willing to give a confident smile, move with grace and like you utterly own EVERYTHING! Then turn and walk away.
She has to feel like the only woman in the world or the spell will be broken.
And it’s not just once – you need to build several of these interludes up, to create that chemistry! If you make a woman feel desired, she will start to feel sexy and if she starts to feel sexy, then this will override any of the top 4 objections I’ve written about above!
What stops a woman in her tracks??
A confident man making eye contact with her, smiling like he truly see’s her and like there is no one else in the room. That full undivided attention and only for a brief moment – I can tell you now – she’ll want more!!!
It will confuse her and she might giggle or behave in a strange way as you will have ‘unarmed’ her – made her feel like you’ve seen through the armour she constantly wears to protect her femininity, that’s just dying to get out and be accepted.
It doesn’t matter what she looks like, whether her hair’s a mess – look at her in a full present moment state, with confidence and desire. You can then build on this at different moments, with a hand on the small of her back every now and again (a very manly move, which portrays support and male confidence), come in close to her from behind while she’s washing dishes or doing something stationary and give her a slow little kiss on her neck, then go away again.
Keep building these little moments up. You’re then building the chemistry and intimacy up, and taking the pressure off the end goal, to the point where she might not be able to hold herself back any longer and may start showing some affection and desire for you too!!
Good luck, I wish you success, for what can be more rewarding than learning how to create a juicy, love filled relationship where you get to show up as a calm, secure, playful man who knows how to work with sexual tension even when things between you are under pressure or stressed.
Rose Primmer
Foxglove Coaching
foxglovecoaching.com
