Is It Normal for a Marriage to Become Sexless?

You fall in love, having a great intimacy, start a long-term relationship, and build your dream life. Then your marriage become sexless.

Everything is amazing, intimacy is easy, and life is full of joy, laughter, sex, and enthusiasm, but then things change, sex interest changes, and your intimate relationship becomes strained and awkward.

Most people expect their connection to wane over time.

What about you?

Do you think it’s true?

When one kind of intimacy is lacking, the side effects affect the other—low self-esteem, loss of libido, and your happy marriage starts to have sexual problems—so how do you stop the insidious decline and repair your personal connection?

“Sexless” unions are commonly hidden.

Guys are ashamed to admit their sexual relationships are changing. The problem is our culture’s sex fixation. We’re embarrassed to admit that our marriages lack pleasurable sex.

Less than once a month or 10 times a year is sexless. There’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship if this happens.

Sexual desire might fade for several reasons. Both partners may lack sex desires and abstain. Daily stress disrupts intimate and sexual cycles.

Pregnancy, young children, health difficulties, lack of confidence, and ageing might hinder physical closeness.

Men in sexless marriages often feel ashamed to talk about it, but talking freely about it with someone who knows how to help men can boost your confidence and turn an awkward topic into something deep, rich, and exciting where you can learn, grow, and figure out how to take the lead and make the connection you really want.

Below, I break down some of the reasons for what’s going on in your bedroom , from hot and steamy to cold as ice.

Why Does Your Relationship Lack Sexual Passion?

Sexless, intimacy

During the early stages of a relationship, passion is fueled by two things: the thrill of meeting someone new and the surge of hormones that result from the two of you creating a connection that’s based on seeing the best in and accepting everything about each other.

When the euphoria of a new, shiny relationship wears off and you emerge from your “unconditional love bubble,” you may find that the sparks aren’t as hot or as easy to access as they once were.

We get drawn into focusing on “what we’re getting” from her and the relationship, as if it’s a business transaction, where you earn rewards and trade love and acceptance like it’s a scarce resource.

How do you know if you need to reignite the passion in your relationship?

You may have noticed that she isn’t as interested in your life or including you in hers. That she isn’t as eager to spend time with you and that the excitement and enthusiasm in your relationship has levelled off.

Also, if she seems to prefer spending time alone to spending time with you, you might not want to start sex or get close to her.

There will inevitably be changes in intimacy and sex frequency in any relationship over the years you’re together. Paying attention to how each other is doing generally, both personally and in life overall, is what keeps the emotional connection alive between you, which is key to being open and willing to be sexual with each other.

Self-awareness is important for keeping passion in a relationship at a healthy level and getting it back after a setback.

Loss of Intimacy Is A Sign Of A Loss Of Trust

Communication problems sometimes signal a lack of intimacy in a relationship. If you struggle to disclose your true feelings, you may have stopped trusting each other. A relationship without trust loses connection, closeness, affection, and intimacy.

Being honest about your aspirations, worries, desires, and problems creates intimacy, but be careful to explain how your experience of marriage changes without being critical.

Don’t assume “why” changes are happening. Decide how your partner now views your relationship.

If it seems like we’re less connected, and I don’t feel safe discussing my ideas and feelings with you, then let her answer.

Try not to take her comments personally.

Listen to her feelings, not her assessment of you.

When her comments seem about you, they’re about her own experience, hopes, concerns, problems, and desires. Ask her questions like:

  • Tell me more about that
  • What else?
  • Can you explain how that was for you?
  • How did that make you feel?
  • What do you need?
  • How could I help with that?

 Even if you’ve been together a long time and have strong communication skills, trust can be eroded by small encounters, such as not recognising when she’s angry or not taking action to find out what she’s suffering from.

A lack of open dialogue will lead to intimacy issues if ignored.

Physical Attraction Has Waned

When your wife or girlfriend seems to be less physically attracted to you, you may start to doubt your own sexual attractiveness . If you’re wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why has she stopped showing affection toward me?”

Try not to jump to the worst possible conclusions. If you do, you’ll talk to her from a place of fear and self-protection, which will make her feel criticised and attacked and make her defensive, which is the last thing you want if you want to reconnect and get closer.

Again, try to stay open and curious to understand what’s going on in her life and her interpretations of your relationship. Good listening is one of your most powerful tools in rebuilding trust, emotional safety, connection, and intimacy again.

Spending time together when you’re relaxed creates an opportunity to reconnect.

If you’re not relaxed, go and do something that will relax you before interacting with her.

When you’re relaxed, she can relax around you.

And when you’re both relaxed in each other’s company, then you can connect.

Then you can enjoy each other’s company, when you’re connected. Have fun, and laugh again. Connection, trust, and laughter are key in keeping the spark alive between you.

Spending good quality, relaxed and fun time together opens the door to better communication around things you’re worried or concerned about.

But you must lead the way.

Find your way to being more calm and in control of your emotions (I can help you with this).

Remember why you love her as a person, and don’t get too fixated on the current state of closeness between you-things can change relatively quickly once you start to assume your role as the leader and keeper of the intimacy in your marriage.

Lack of Sexual Desire

Here are a few ways in which this can lead to less sexual desire and physical intimacy in your relationship:

  • She feels unprioritized by you, like other things are more important to you
  • She feels misunderstood by you, like you don’t get or want to get how she’s really feeling about herself, about her life, and about you
  • She feels uncared for, like you don’t take her wellbeing into account when you make decisions

While you’re not responsible for her emotions and wellbeing, you do have a very direct influence on her. You can complain and moan about this fact, or you can learn how to influence her in ways that she likes and that make her feel safe, relaxed, trusting, and respectful of you and your love and care for her.

Another part of sexual desire is driven by your own sense of self-worth, self-respect, and confidence.

I teach men how to regain their confidence and start being a joyful, exciting, safe, and self-assured person for women to interact with.

You must first find a way to feel good about yourself in order for her to feel attracted to you again.

Final Thoughts

A marriage that lacks intimacy also lacks trust and safety. Learning how you affect the trust and safety in your relationship is the first step to rebuilding connection, affection, and lots of lovely physical and sexual intimacy again.Get in touch with me for a free, “lead your intimate marriage” 60-minute phone consultation.

About the author

Hi, I'm Dan. I've been a men’s coach for many years, mentoring and coaching men to get clear on what they want and creating practical and actionable plans to make it happen. I’ve experienced many of the same challenges you're going through right now. I’m here to challenge you and help you understand what's holding you back so that you can step into the confident, successful man you were meant to be.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is my coaching right for you?

My coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. I teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While my coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, I also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. I help you understand what you really want your future to look like and I also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 60-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, I listen a lot, I ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, I help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then I help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

I take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
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  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
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  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
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How does the coaching program work?

You will have either 2 or 4 coaching calls with me per month, continual access to me via messenger or email throughout the process, ongoing assignments and resources to help you stay focused and grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a trusted mentor in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

Why do you only offer 1-to-1 coaching and not group coaching?

I prefer to work with men 1-to-1 because I can really get to know you and unearth the best path forward for you and your current circumstances.

1-to-1 has the benefit over group coaching of creating much faster progress towards what you want to change in your life. You get much more personal time and attention with 1-to-1 coaching and it's adapted to your specific circumstances so provides the specific practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create the future you want.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

I work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. I only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. I teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – I don’t bash women.
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  • You won’t experience any judgment or criticism (seems obvious but a lot of the men I speak to have felt this from past therapists or coaches that they have worked with).

I don't waste our time with all those things because I want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So I focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then my coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then my coaching will help.

I will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. I will get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. I help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

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For many of the guys I work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of my coaching for free?