How To Defrag Your Unhappy Marriage
Are you facing an unhappy marriage every day? Maybe your wife is cold and distant or she’s asked for space. She might have said she doesn’t know if she wants to be married anymore or you’re just noticing some changes in her behaviour towards you.
In this episode I talk about what happens during midlife in relationships, why it comes as a surprise to so many of us, how to think about this period in your life differently so that you can use it to create a stronger, more confident, more happy, passionate and fulfilled next 30 years.
Have you ever had a computer that was acting weird?
Little glitches start happening…programs crash, the computer restarts for no apparent reason, files take longer to open, weird error codes flash up on the screen..?
Overall it’s working OK but these little signs make you uneasy.
You make a note to remember to back everything up just in case…
And then the hard drive goes pop.
F*ck.
I work with men when they start noticing signs…their wife is acting a little weird.
She’s less responsive to your calls and messages
You’re great friends but there’s a tension in the air and it makes you anxious
She needs more personal time
There’s a lack of warmth in her hugs
She turns her head when you go to kiss her goodbye or goodnight
She seems indifferent toward you and your invitations to connect
You feel further down her priority list than you used to be
She’s always on her phone
And all of this makes you feel worthless and betrayed.
These signs are VERY important!
Just like with a failing hard drive, ignoring them is a recipe for disaster.
And just like a failing hard drive, diving in and opening up the computer without knowing what you’re doing, can speed up the failure.
I talk more about it in the video below:
No-one explains that when we hit midlife there’s an urgent drive to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re ‘supposed’ to live. ~ Brene Brown
Ahhhh “midlife” that “catch-all” term that means anything goes and no-one really understands what drives the new, strange behaviour.
But there is logic behind the seemingly random behaviour.
“One of the patterns revealed in my research was how all that role playing becomes almost unbearable around midlife. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations they’ve been trying to live up to are impossible.” ~ Brene Brown
Our natural response to unexpected change (like a partner who’s started behaving weirdly) or anything that makes us feel uneasy is to protect ourselves, which means to take control, to grip on tightly and to try and change things back to the way they were so we can feel relaxed and safe again.
But the signs you’ve noticed in your relationship are indicators that something has ALREADY changed.
In this situation most of us get stuck on the wrong question.
We want to know “why” something has changed…
Why is this happening?
Why is she being so cold?
Why can’t she see what it’s doing to me?
Why doesn’t she care anymore?
Why is she so happy with other people but not me?
We get stuck in fear, imagining all the reasons that could potentially be causing what’s happening. But this reaction doesn’t help you.
Just as when a hard disk fails, there are many potential reasons that can cause the failure.
In a relationship that’s losing it’s connection and closeness the natural response is to try to fix it, but the traditional approach is to focus on what’s wrong, and that usually means what’s wrong with the person who’s changing.
A far better approach is to USE this as an opportunity to truly reflect on where you are headed as a man.
The most interesting (and attractive) you will ever be is when you have a life plan that is full of meaning and purpose for you.
When you have a clear vision, everything in life becomes easier. Menial tasks become enjoyable. Difficult conversations are no longer difficult. You smile and laugh more.
Of course you don’t get to avoid problems and challenges – the difference is that you see them as part of your path of growth and maturity.
Everything has something to teach you.
It’s like having the energy of a child again but with Clooney levels of maturity, focus and direction.
In my coaching program I take men through an intense program to become the man you were always meant to be. It’s a process of rediscovering your enthusiasm for life and it changes who you are as a man.
Ready to re-evaluate what you want from life?
My “How Do You Want To Evolve As A Man” initial Coaching Sessions are free. These calls are real 60 minute coaching sessions where we dive deep into your current challenges and help you get a perspective where you feel calm and confident to take action and move forward:
Use This Moment to Re-evaluate the Man You Want to Become
If your wife has become distant and your first instinct is to cling harder to the version of the marriage you had before, this may be the moment to look further ahead instead. Get clearer about what you want from the next stage of your life, what gives you meaning and what kind of man you want to be regardless of how the relationship unfolds. The stronger that direction becomes, the easier it is to face uncertainty without losing yourself inside it.
Book a free 60-minute callWhy has my wife suddenly become cold and distant?
There may be many reasons, and you cannot know the answer simply from a change in her behaviour. Midlife can bring questions about identity, fulfilment, roles and what each person wants from the next stage of life. The important thing is not to panic and immediately assume the worst.
What should I do if my wife says she needs space?
Take the request seriously without treating it as proof that the marriage is over. Avoid chasing, pressuring or repeatedly asking for reassurance. Use the space to get clearer about yourself, what you want and how you want to show up while the relationship is uncertain.
Is a midlife relationship crisis always a sign the marriage is ending?
No. A difficult period can reveal that something in the relationship or in one person’s life has changed, but that does not automatically determine the outcome. It can also become an opportunity for both people to reassess what they want and how they want to live going forward.
Why do I keep obsessing over why my wife has changed?
Because uncertainty is uncomfortable and your mind wants an explanation that will make you feel in control again. The problem is that repeatedly asking why can keep you stuck in fear without giving you anything useful to act on. Focusing on what you can control is usually more productive.
How can I stay confident when my marriage feels unstable?
Build your confidence around your own direction rather than your wife’s current mood or behaviour. Think about the man you want to become, the life you want to create and the values you want to live by. A clearer sense of purpose makes it easier to handle uncertainty without collapsing into panic.
Can focusing on my own growth help my marriage?
It can change the way you show up and the energy you bring into the relationship. Becoming more purposeful, calm and engaged with your own life may also help you approach difficult conversations differently. It cannot guarantee what your wife will choose, but it gives you a stronger foundation either way.
Have questions about your relationship, career or your life?
Book a free, no strings, 60-minute personal coaching call where we’ll talk about what you want, what’s holding you back, and some practical steps you can take today.
