Wife Said I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You, Now What?

The sting of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…” feels like a dagger through your heart and a continually tightening knot in your gut, you may start questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself, your marriage and your future.

Fear and doubtful thoughts may be keeping you feeling anxious and worried, or frustrated and angry while also question and wondering about your own inadequacies.

It’s not the end of your world, although I know it can feel like that right now, especially when you think about how the end of your relationship might negatively affect your kids. The truth is that millions of men go through this experience every day and we have been supporting them through it for over 10 years now.

This storm feels like it will never end and her lack of understanding and empathy for how you’re feeling may make you want to give up and go bury yourself in something…anything that will make you feel better. Pot, alcohol, porn, dating sites, and all of the other “quick fixes” are signs that there’s something here for you to learn rather than avoid facing.

It’s an old cliche, but it’s a cliche because it’s true – in every challenge there is an opportunity. An opportunity to learn, grow and a chance to reclaim your self confidence and strength as a man.

You will need to slow down. Stop trying to urgently fix this or “prove” anything to anyone else. Actions taken from feeling insecure and emotionally overstimulated never work to achieve what you want.

To learn and grow means to figure out what this situation means ABOUT you and FOR you.

That language may feel strange to you…surely this moment is about her and about the relationship?

That’s true, but you have no control over her thoughts, feelings and actions which means you also have no control over the relationship either. This is also why you are feeling so emotional, you feel out of control and insecure because some of your security has just been taken away from you, and no matter how much you analyze the situation and think of scenarios to try to regain some control, you just keep coming up with more questions and more fears about pushing her away further.

To start feeling more secure, more calm, and more confident I want to help you build some emotional resilience, a foundation that no-one can whip out from underneath you in the future.

Your foundation is your character, your core personal values, defining your non-negotiable standards for what you expect in your life, and the things that you will no longer tolerate – your boundaries.

Defining Your Character And Living To Your Values
Your core personal values are your compass, guiding you through life’s challenges and storms. They help you make decisions, especially when those decisions are hard to follow through with.

They are the principles that MEAN something to you, the qualities you strive to embody – they are who you are and how people get to “know” you.

When people describe us they often deascribe our core values…for example

He’s so generous
He is dedicated to his family
He always takes time to listen to me
He’s always honest
He’s such a positive, happy man

When you identify what truly matters to you, whether it’s being respectful, living with integrity (what you say is what people can rely upon you for), being courageous, being compassionate, being decisive, being ambitious, being independent (trusting your own opinion), being confident in yourself….

Writing these things down will help you to get a grip on your emotions again, you get to know yourself, to trust yourself and your decisions, and you build your self worth and self confidence too.

Use these core values. Let them inform every decision you make.

When doubt creeps in, consult your values.

Are you acting in alignment with them?

This alignment fuels your masculine self-worth, reminding you of the man you are and the man you want to be, not the one feeling weak, without any agency over his future and who feels dictated to by his external circumstances.

What Will You Stand Up For And Against?
Your standards are the non-negotiables, the lines that tell you what you want to create in your life. They will help you to live your life to its full potential, they will motivate you to prioritise your health and well-being as well as your energy levels, your creativity and your fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

What do you value experiencing in life? Respect? Honesty? Overcoming challenges? Calm and clear communication? Self responsibility? Empathy? Positivity? Consideration and understanding? etc etc

Defining your standards clearly; communicating them with confidence, and holding yourself and others accountable to living to them is the guarantee that life will be full of those kinds of interactions.

Don’t let the fear of losing your wife compromise your values and standards. You will lose trust and respect for yourself and she will too.

How Do You Ensure Your Own Happiness From Here On Out (Yes It’s Possible)
As I said earlier, these values, standards and boundaries are your foundations for the life you want to create, your commitment to them will help you feel more confident and will protect you from getting dragged down into negativity and fear again.

You will be able to say “no” without feeling bad or guilty. You won’t tolerate disrespect or emotional manipulation. You will prioritize your mental and physical health. you will have more time for the things you enjoy in life and eradicate the things you don’t want.

You will be able to prioritize yourself, challenge others kindly when they don’t meet your expectations, express your needs honestly and directly, and challenge other people to see if they can step up and live a deeper, more loving, more caring and more meaningful life with you.

Remember, strong boundaries aren’t rules you make that other people must live by, they are standards for yourself to help you respond to your circumstances with confidence.

Here are two videos that show how having strong standards and boundaries is so important to leading a loving, passionate, respectful and trusting relationship with someone:

  1. How boundaries are essential and attractive.
  2. Why boundaries create a more loving relationship.

Building The Foundations of Your Masculine Confidence And Strength
These values, standards, and boundaries are the pillars of your masculine self-worth. They don’t rely on external validation, but on internal strength and conviction.

Here are some qualities that can complement your foundation:

  • Emotional Intelligence
    The ability to understand and express your emotions is not weakness, in fact it can be a great strength. It allows you to navigate challenging situations with clarity, purpose and a confidence in yourself.
  • Personal Responsibility
    Taking ownership of your thoughts, emotions, actions and choices empowers you to create your future. Blaming others or falling victim to your current circumstances will keep you frustrated and stuck.
  • Self-Reliance
    True strength lies in relying on yourself for your emotional stability and agency to create what you want going forward. Build a strong social support system, but remember, your inner resilience is the one thing you can fall back on every time you hit a difficult moment.
  • Growth Mindset
    See challenges as opportunities to learn and evolve you understanding of yourself and where you want to go next in life. Embrace self-improvement as one of your values, physically, emotionally and mentally. This ongoing quest strengthens your character and builds your sense of self-belief and confidence in who you are as a man in every area of your life.

This Is Not A Quick Fix, It’s A Journey
This journey of reclaiming your masculine strength and self confidence isn’t linear. There will be stumbles, moments of doubt, and days where the waves threaten to crash over your walls.

But with each storm, you can choose to rebuild, your foundation stronger, your values clearer, your boundaries more resolute.

This is not about proving your worth to anyone but yourself.

It’s about becoming the man you were always meant to be – the leader of yourself and your future.

This is a point in your life where you have a choice…to rebuild yourself with the solid foundations that will ensure you create what you really want in your life.

When you build your understanding of yourself and your authentic masculine strength, it emanates out from you, it guides you towards that future filled with purpose, self-belief, and unshakeable inner strength.

It’s a challenging but incredibly fulfilling journey.

I have been helping men with this all day every day for the past 10 years and I want to help you too. Apply for a free 60 minute coaching session with me here.

About the author

Hi, I'm Dan. I've been a men’s coach for many years, mentoring and coaching men to get clear on what they want and creating practical and actionable plans to make it happen. I’ve experienced many of the same challenges you're going through right now. I’m here to challenge you and help you understand what's holding you back so that you can step into the confident, successful man you were meant to be.

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