Looking ways to fix your marriage? Why are high achievers so good at solving problems at work but so, so bad at fixing problems in our relationships?
The effective problem-solving skills that make us successful at work don’t have the same impact on our personal relationships because those work skills are all about achieving results, not creating and maintaining a strong emotional connection.
Men are notoriously lousy at discussing our innermost thoughts and emotions. We have a deep yearning for physical contact, but we often struggle to understand the importance of emotional connection in creating an environment where physical contact is safe for a woman.
When your wife believes that her opinions are not listened to and valued the emotional connection between you is damaged. If this goes on for a long time, the damage can be irreparable.
As a men’s coach, I help you see the difference between how you solve problems at work and how you handle your relationship problems at home.
Professional success comes from mastering your chosen craft and being a great problem solver who’s competent at making decisions and taking action.
But your wife doesn’t care about how successful you are at work. She’s not a problem-solving process to be engineered and optimised.
When it comes to improving your relationship, she’s not interested in what you know. She isn’t impressed by how well you solve problems or how great your mind is at analysing data and finding the best way to do things.
Women want a man who can make them feel cared for, loved, prioritised and desired. Yeah, that’s right. Those work skills you are so good with may solve problems, but they lack the essential ingredient: the soft skills required to create connection.
If you’re struggling with relationship issues, the first step to fixing the problem is being able to recognise it correctly.
Fixing Versus Listening & Empathising
One of the biggest mindset challenges for men who are learning how to lead their relationships is changing how they see their role at home vs. work.
It’s normal to see your work as a series of challenges to be overcome and problems to be fixed. You are highly valued and rewarded for resolving every problem that stands in your way.
Most guys continue with this same approach and mindset at home in their marriage too. It works great with DIY projects or car problems. But it fails whenever it comes to creating more love and affection in your relationship.
You will never get out of your way if you treat your relationship as though it is simply another set of challenges to be conquered. Your wife can’t feel your love for her when you treat her like a problem to be solved instead of the woman you care about more than anyone else.
Women feel our intentions. If your intention is just to stop something that is irritating you, then the irritation may stop, but the connection is still broken. To keep the connection going, you have to learn how to show your care for her, even when you’re faced with conflict or criticism.
Remember, the behaviour is a sign of her emotional state-so try to understand and empathise with that emotion and how it must be feeling inside her. None of us wants to be upset; we’d all much rather be relaxed and having fun.
Try not to think that fights, complaints, or her unhappiness are problems that need to be “fixed.”
Her emotions are not about you, even when they sound like they are. There’s an underlying fear that’s driving her behaviour right now, but the good news is that you can learn how to help her share and soothe that fear.
Arguing, complaining, and discontent are opportunities for you to connect with her and lead her emotionally to a solution that meets what she needs.
Leaving Your Leadership Skills At Work
Another thing that successful men mistakenly do in their relationships that can cause problems is gradually develop a “provider” only mindset.
We men can give up all aspects of leading when it comes to matters of the home, kids, romance and the relationship. We think just focusing on being a great provider is all that is required for an amazing life and marriage.
I know many of you may have given up trying to lead at home. I hear men say, “I used to organise date nights and offer romantic gestures, but she doesn’t want my opinion on anything; she prefers to control everything herself.”
It is tempting to believe that she likes managing money, caring for the kids, organising trips, holidays, social life, birthdays, and even running the sexual connection too. It‘s also tempting to say, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it!” But this approach will slowly wear her out, and she will lose respect and attraction for you.
Even though she may question your opinion and direction, don’t ever stop giving it to her. She wants to feel your willingness to make a decision, take charge and lead. It’s so important to understand this if you want a successful and affectionate marriage.
The way you convey your opinion is a key skill that makes a huge difference in how she responds to you. Be aware of your energy. You have way more influence than you know.
When you make a decision, do you state it in a way that is considerate of her, or do you engage her with an energy that is enthusiastic and inviting?
If you don’t, don’t be surprised if the response is less than enthusiastic
So How Should You Approach Everything Differently?
If you want to learn how to lead your marriage to a deeper level of connection, trust, affection, fun and passion, there are some deeper questions that you must first answrr about yourself…
- Who do you want to be?
- What kind of man and leader do you want to be in your relationship?
- If you could be any man you wanted to be, what qualities would you want to have?
- What is your character and temperament and how do these things affect other people?
- What do you believe? About yourself, your future, about her and your future together?
- What is the current state of your relationship and how would you like it to evolve?
- What about your sex life? What do you want more of?
Many men will dismiss these questions. They will sit around and wait for someone else to take the lead and then complain when their life and relationship aren’t satisfying.
If you want things to change, you have to put in the effort to learn what you don’t currently know.
That’s where I come in.
I will teach you how to get clear on who you are as a man and how to bring those successful career traits into your personal life in a way that creates connection, trust, and attraction.
If you want to learn how to take a big step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, I would love to help you get there.
Our first discovery call is always free and gives you a HUGE confidence boost.
You will only achieve the clarity, strength, and confidence of a man who knows what his woman wants and needs from him through having a deep conversation with another man who’s been in your shoes. Your woman cannot and does not want to teach you this stuff. Trust me on that.