How To Defrag Your Unhappy Marriage

Are you facing an unhappy marriage every day? Maybe your wife is cold and distant or she’s asked for space. She might have said she doesn’t know if she wants to be married anymore or you’re just noticing some changes in her behaviour towards you.

In this episode I talk about what happens during midlife in relationships, why it comes as a surprise to so many of us, how to think about this period in your life differently so that you can use it to create a stronger, more confident, more happy, passionate and fulfilled next 30 years.

Have you ever had a computer that was acting weird?

Little glitches start happening…programs crash, the computer restarts for no apparent reason, files take longer to open, weird error codes flash up on the screen..?

Overall it’s working OK but these little signs make you uneasy.

You make a note to remember to back everything up just in case…

And then the hard drive goes pop.

F*ck.

I work with men when they start noticing signs…their wife is acting a little weird.

She’s less responsive to your calls and messages

You’re great friends but there’s a tension in the air and it makes you anxious

She needs more personal time

There’s a lack of warmth in her hugs

She turns her head when you go to kiss her goodbye or goodnight

She seems indifferent toward you and your invitations to connect

You feel further down her priority list than you used to be

She’s always on her phone

And all of this makes you feel worthless and betrayed.

These signs are VERY important!

Just like with a failing hard drive, ignoring them is a recipe for disaster.

And just like a failing hard drive, diving in and opening up the computer without knowing what you’re doing, can speed up the failure.

I talk more about it in the video below: 

YouTube video

No-one explains that when we hit midlife there’s an urgent drive to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re ‘supposed’ to live. ~ Brene Brown

Ahhhh “midlife” that “catch-all” term that means anything goes and no-one really understands what drives the new, strange behaviour.

But there is logic behind the seemingly random behaviour.

“One of the patterns revealed in my research was how all that role playing becomes almost unbearable around midlife. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations they’ve been trying to live up to are impossible.” ~ Brene Brown

Our natural response to unexpected change (like a partner who’s started behaving weirdly) or anything that makes us feel uneasy is to protect ourselves, which means to take control, to grip on tightly and to try and change things back to the way they were so we can feel relaxed and safe again.

But the signs you’ve noticed in your relationship are indicators that something has ALREADY changed.

In this situation most of us get stuck on the wrong question.

We want to know “why” something has changed…

Why is this happening?

Why is she being so cold?

Why can’t she see what it’s doing to me?

Why doesn’t she care anymore?

Why is she so happy with other people but not me?

We get stuck in fear, imagining all the reasons that could potentially be causing what’s happening. But this reaction doesn’t help you.

Just as when a hard disk fails, there are many potential reasons that can cause the failure.

In a relationship that’s losing it’s connection and closeness the natural response is to try to fix it, but the traditional approach is to focus on what’s wrong, and that usually means what’s wrong with the person who’s changing.

A far better approach is to USE this as an opportunity to truly reflect on where you are headed as a man.

The most interesting (and attractive) you will ever be is when you have a life plan that is full of meaning and purpose for you.

When you have a clear vision, everything in life becomes easier. Menial tasks become enjoyable. Difficult conversations are no longer difficult. You smile and laugh more.

Of course you don’t get to avoid problems and challenges – the difference is that you see them as part of your path of growth and maturity.

Everything has something to teach you.

It’s like having the energy of a child again but with Clooney levels of maturity, focus and direction.

In my coaching program I take men through an intense program to become the man you were always meant to be. It’s a process of rediscovering your enthusiasm for life and it changes who you are as a man.

Ready to re-evaluate what you want from life?

My “How Do You Want To Evolve As A Man” initial Coaching Sessions are free.   These calls are real 60 minute coaching sessions where we dive deep into your current challenges and help you get a perspective where you feel calm and confident to take action and move forward: Go HERE to apply for your Free 60 minute coaching call

About the author

Hi, I'm Dan. I've been a men’s coach for many years, mentoring and coaching men to get clear on what they want and creating practical and actionable plans to make it happen. I’ve experienced many of the same challenges you're going through right now. I’m here to challenge you and help you understand what's holding you back so that you can step into the confident, successful man you were meant to be.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is my coaching right for you?

My coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. I teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While my coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, I also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. I help you understand what you really want your future to look like and I also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 60-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, I listen a lot, I ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, I help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then I help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

I take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the coaching program work?

You will have either 2 or 4 coaching calls with me per month, continual access to me via messenger or email throughout the process, ongoing assignments and resources to help you stay focused and grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a trusted mentor in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

Why do you only offer 1-to-1 coaching and not group coaching?

I prefer to work with men 1-to-1 because I can really get to know you and unearth the best path forward for you and your current circumstances.

1-to-1 has the benefit over group coaching of creating much faster progress towards what you want to change in your life. You get much more personal time and attention with 1-to-1 coaching and it's adapted to your specific circumstances so provides the specific practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create the future you want.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

I work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. I only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. I teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – I don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t feel like a victim anymore.
  • You won’t experience any judgment or criticism (seems obvious but a lot of the men I speak to have felt this from past therapists or coaches that they have worked with).

I don't waste our time with all those things because I want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So I focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...my coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then my coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then my coaching will help.

I will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. I will get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. I help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

I help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. I help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. I help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys I work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of my coaching for free?