Sexual intimacy is a difficult subject for many of us in long-term relationships or marriages. I know how your wife’s lack of sexual interest plays on your mind.
When you were first dating, sex was so easy. The connection between you was intoxicating and passionate. You couldn’t get enough of each other, almost like an addiction.
Then when you get married, things are usually still good in the bedroom. But after a few years, daily routines, responsibilities, and kids come along, and things change. We take each other for granted. Sex drives change, and we allow life to become stale and boring.
You may feel like you’re just a roommate with her.
Does your wife seem to have lost interest and enthusiasm in having intimate sex with you?
Do you find that she rejects you whenever you try to get close to her physically?
Whether it’s a loss of libido, a lower interest in sex, a loss of the connection with your partner, medical conditions, a lack of physical contact, or a loss of physical affection — we know it can feel hopeless and painful. It’s as if your wife doesn’t love you or find you attractive anymore.
When you get turned down for sex or physical affection, you may feel unattractive, unappreciated, and unwanted. This hurt can turn into frustration and irritation over time.
You may have found yourself giving up and seeking sexual fulfilment through other means, such as masturbation or an emotional or physical affair.
But don’t abandon your sex life as hopeless just yet. There are many possible explanations for your wife’s emotional distance and lack of sexual desire.
I coach men to turn around the intimate connection in their relationships.
I also help men deal with self-confidence, building strong emotional connections, sexual fantasies, and sexual health issues (sexual dysfunction, erectile dysfunction, as well as other types of sexual problems).
Even if your sex life has never been that great or you’ve been in a sexless marriage for years, you can learn how to tell whether a fully sexual and deeply intimate relationship is ever possible with her.
And once you know that, the decision to stay and grow together or move on is easier to make.
She’s Unhappy and Feels Disconnected from You
Many women attribute their level of sexual desire to their overall level of happiness. If your wife is unhappy with herself, having sex will be the last thing on her mind.
The only way to find out what your wife is feeling is to ask her directly.
Then pay attention to the emotion behind her words and try to understand what her current experience is like for her.
This means you need to develop empathy – the ability to understand what she’s feeling without trying to change it or fix it.
Below are some phrases that help you to connect with her emotions and lead the conversations so that she feels heard and understood and you get to understand what she’s experiencing at a deeper level.
- That sucks/that sounds frustrating/that must have been (insert emotion here) for you
- Tell me more about that
- How did that make you feel?
- I understand/I get that
- What do you need?
You’re Waiting for Her to Initiate Intimacy
It’s crucial to remember that how often and how naturally sex happens in your relationship is really an indicator of the level of emotional connection and trust that you have together.
Building intimacy requires that you understand what intimacy is, that it can come in many forms, and that it means more than just sex.
Imagine there are 10 blocks of intimate connection…what if only blocks 8, 9, and 10 were the kissing, foreplay, and sex parts of our life’s intimate experience?
How does a man live in the other 7 blocks?
The other blocks are made up of different kinds of connection and are needed to create the connection needed for satisfying physical and sexual connection.
Laughter, adventure, vulnerability, compassion, caring, listening, emotional expression, intellectual exploration, learning, etc.
These are yours to give and yours to share.
When we realise that the goal isn’t to get our blocks filled up by others but rather that we are the GIVERS (the creators) of intimate connection, suddenly we can relax. We can feel calm. And we know we can create intimacy of all types, which removes the focus (and tension) on what’s happening with our one sexual partner right now.
And as you become more at ease and relaxed with these other aspects of intimacy, she will be more inclined to connect with you and give you her intimate gifts.
I want you to practise playing with “the other 7 blocks”.
To create connection and intimacy with anyone and everyone you meet.
This is a very giving practice. Give attention, curiosity, humour, and acknowledgement to others. Practice with your friends, your kids, and co-workers.
As you’re doing this, imagine yourself as an OVERFLOWING CUP of intimacy. You don’t need to get any because you’re full already. It’s spilling over the edges.
You’ve got at least 30 years of kissing, touching, and sex (that’s a lot of time!!). So relax, reset your internal clock and put a grin on your face.
She Has No More Energy for You or the Relationship
It is difficult, if not impossible, for your wife to be the soft, kind, loving, feminine person you enjoy being with so much while she’s exhausted at the same time. Rest is a critical element in rejuvenating all aspects of her femininity. Ignore this and you should prepare yourself for tension and resistance from her.
After a long day of work, school drop-offs, and/or other errands, she is likely to be too tired to even contemplate having sex with you.
Exhaustion has a huge impact on desire, attraction, and fun. When you get this and plan for it, you can create some time and space that she needs to replenish her energy. This may look like time for her to sleep or some other form of rest, time for her to be alone, time for her to go out with friends, time to be involved in a hobby, taking some chores or tasks off her list, or just being a good listener to help her let go of the stresses from the day.
Important: don’t give any of these things with a hidden agenda that you will “get” sex. Only give them if you’re happy to give them without needing a certain response from her. A gift with expectations isn’t really a gift at all, it’s a manipulation technique and will damage the trust between you and her, which will kill her attraction to you and will not improve your sex life.
She Wants You To Lead The Sex & Romance Side Of The Relationship (But She Can’t Tell You That)
Who were you when the two of you first got together?
For most men, there was a sense of confidence about us when we met her. We didn’t spend much time thinking about and analysing things before taking action. We were relaxed and more self-assured. We made decisions, invited her along, and were unapologetic about showing our desire and attraction to her.
Then, somewhere along the way, we lost that version of ourselves. Maybe we were rejected a few times, criticised a few times, shamed a few times, and we decided that that version of us was no longer wanted. But it’s not true! She really does want to connect with you in those ways, but she wants you to find your self-confidence and that sexy swagger again to feel attracted to you.
A woman’s craving for a man is never the result of your logical request for “craving” (negative pressure). A woman’s craving for a man comes from your confidence, independence from her, your self-respect, and your strong sense of personal and sexual value.
Humour is the perfect way to communicate that you have those things (which you do) to give her – and believe me – it’s a rare woman who doesn’t feel something stirring when a man is so solid in his own self-worth (not arrogance, just liking himself) that he can play with her without worrying about how she reacts.
Natural attraction to any woman stems from you not needing sex or validation from her. It’s fine to show sexual interest and desire, but it’s not okay if it comes with demands or expectations.
Women respond to danger, surprise, fun, and adventure. We need to be happy with ourselves without their input. Consistency in your lighter, engaging, fun energy here is key and is a gift you can give her to invite her to join you in a different energy.
In women, a lack of sexual desire and attraction can stem from a wide variety of factors, including those of a physiological, social, intellectual, and emotional nature. Having kids, sharing a home with in-laws, moving to a new city, changing careers, facing financial issues, or even just keeping the house running may put a lot of strain on your wife and negatively impact her energy and enthusiasm for sex.
Understanding and then moving forward requires you to determine why your wife no longer desires sexual contact with you.
This is my area of expertise. Set up a free 60-minute call with me to identify, understand, and solve the problems that are keeping you and your wife from having sex and being physically close again.
I know it can feel hopeless at the moment, but it’s often a lot simpler than it currently appears.